Have you ever spoken to someone who said one thing, but you sensed was feeling a completely different way? When people speak, are you really listening?
Daloz demonstrates numerous occasions of this skill, referred to in coaching as active listening. This means listening at a deeper level than just the words our ears hear. In person, he has the ability to observe body language as well as the tone or hesitation in his protege's voice. Because coaching is typically conducted over the phone, there lacks the ability to pick up on nonverbal cues. Nevertheless, coaches are practiced in sensing what a person is saying beyond the words that are spoken. A subtle quiver in the voice or hesitation can say a lot more than just the words. Coaches are trained to pick up on the natural energy a person unconsciously exhibits when speaking of a matter that he or she is passionate about. To me, Daloz is a coach because he lets us, the readers, in on the cues he picks up on. Additionally, he doesn't let these cues pass by unnoticed because if he did, there would be no transformation in his students. In one particular conversation, Daloz speaks to a young woman who is uncomfortable with a class that challenges her belief system. She answers questions Daloz asks (that are designed to make her think more about her beliefs) with responses about the teacher's style of instruction. Daloz notices that this student is not used to expressing how she feels and in turn responds to probing questions by talking about the teacher. It takes a very trained ear to be able to hear what is just under the surface or what may be buried below our insecurities.
Some people are naturally better at active listening. If you've ever had your "gut" tell you something, you know what active listening feels like. It is a sense or feeling that many call a "gut feeling" or that women sometimes refer to as "women's intuition". If you struggle with being able to "read" people, think about it another way. Have you ever said something but deep down felt completely different? Perhaps at a work function you feel anxious and nervous, but you try to mask your jitters with a smile and firm handshake, or instead trying to be strong for a friend who needs support even though you are worried for or about them.
What has active listening been like for you? What did that gut feeling actually feel like for you?
I'm not great at this myself, but I work with people who are. I try to observe them and listen to the questions they ask & what types of things they pick up on. I get too caught up in the words sometimes to clue into the feelings or unsaid aspects of the conversation.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to get better. Occasionally I'll test out a technique on my wife. Sometimes she's been known to say , "Are you actively listening to me again? Well, stop it..."
I have so much yet to learn.
--Patrick
Drop by my blog...I'm listening!
http://edae692.blogspot.com/
I have the hardest time to listen to people most likely because my mind races so fast. I have to put the phone down, turn away from the computer and truly focus on that person. That is active listening for me.
ReplyDeleteVery cool post Stacy :-). I think active listening is a gift; some are more a tune and many can learn the subtle nuances. My work has required I be an active listener. I can't jump to conclusions or allow my bias to interfere with what is going on with the client. I have to use inquiry questioning and restate the message to verify I have accurately understood the intent of the message. This is huge in welfare work when decisions can adversely affect a family. Active listening also helps in demonstrating the power of words/actions and assisting another in taking ownership of their words/actions.
ReplyDeleteSimilar to Linda's comments, my work also requires that I be an active listener, especially as a tax preparer. Having a good understanding as to what the client is saying and recording it accurately is extremely important.
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